I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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