Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
