dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
