I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
