don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
