I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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