a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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