i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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