I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
