he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
