just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
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I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
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Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
dude. I can hear the air.
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