i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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