Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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