i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
