and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
