I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
