Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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