omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
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They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance