I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
