anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.