so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
