somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
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There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
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5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I feel like I smell like bad decisions