I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy