ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat