4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
