3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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