I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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