Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
