textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
