All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I believe in your delicious
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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