and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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