u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
