Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
