I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
