umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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