dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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