Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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