You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
