I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
