My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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