I never want to see another naked old woman again.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
