Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
