Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
