Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
