sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
