Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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