I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
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All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
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My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be