Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
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