Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
