I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She bit a glass in half.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
