Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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