I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
