I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We don't watch enough power rangers
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
