Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
