i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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