haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is Oprah even human
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
