My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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