I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize